It's Thursday. It feels like Friday. I'm exhausted. I still don't sleep well. I still feel empty. The left side of my body hurts so I'm probably dying. I should go to the doctors, but I'm going to power through. Let's see what happens.
My social anxiety is getting the best of me right now, even though most days I just sit at home after work. Like I'd love to go out and do something this weekend. I just hate asking because I feel like a burden to people. In my mind, I think people don't want to hang with me alone. I feel like I'm not personable sometimes. I know I'm not the funniest person, that I'm very awkward and whatnot. Half of the time I'm invited to things, I feel like it's just a pity invite. I'll never be a top priority for things. But back to my original point. I just think whenever I try to initiate something, 99 percent of the time, it's going to be a no. Yeah, there's that rare occurrence that someone will say yes, but I think it's a pity yes. I'm trying to get better with that. Trying to ask different people to hang/get drinks/whatever. I thought I was doing good, but then I fell into this hole of negativity. I know this was far from my best post. Like I said I'm exhausted. That probably has something to do with it. As I type this, I'm just getting more and more mentally drained, so I'm going to stop this writing before I ramble about nothing. @brettwontdie/@onedaybretter Always. First off, Daft Punk are going their separate ways and I am sad. It's probably because I used their song as the title of the last post. I'll be playing a lot of their music for the foreseeable future. But I digress...
This is somewhat going to be a follow up to my last post because I've had more on my mind from it since I posted on Thursday. So I'll start with the beginning lyrics to "Once in a Lifetime" by Talking Heads. "And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. And you may find yourself in another part of the world. And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile. And you may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself, well how did I get here?" Yeah, I'm not where I want to be in life. I would love to have the things listed above. A car. A house. A wife. Living somewhere other than this dumpster fire of a town. But yet, here I am. I don't have a car. I'm afraid to even get behind the wheel of a car ever since I totaled my car 2 and a half years ago. I would love to live in a house (or apartment) somewhere else, but there are some personal/financial circumstances that can't make that possible. A wife? Well, we all know the story. I know I have to be stable (physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially) before I should be with someone. I just feel like I have nothing to offer anyone right now. Right now. Those are the key words. Yes, I had some stability in the past, but that's history. The best part about the future is that it can change. Sure, I don't have a car and I'm afraid to drive. Right now. One day, I know I'll get over that fear and have a car and be less dependent on people to get places. Sure I don't have a place for myself. Right now. I'm thankful that I have a roof over my head, something some people don't have and that's still not right. Sure I don't have a wife. Right now. I know that day will come. Right now, I need to continue to build a better me. A better me will lead to the better future. The better future I believe in. @brettwontdie/@onedaybretter Always. Digital Love- Daft Punk
It still amazes me that people from the past are reading this. People from middle/high school. I know that I was only known for the dance circles which led me to winning the "Best Dancer" superlative in my class. I was never the most popular. I kinda was just there sometimes. But it's just somewhat cool to know that more than 10 years later, my voice matters. Then again, everyone's voice matters. So I was asked a while ago when I was going to get back out there in the dating game. Then I still thought my ideal future was going to come true, but since that isn't the case anymore, I guess I have to put myself out there again. Don't want to, but I have no choice. Well, I guess I technically do have a choice, and I don't really do alone well. Then again, I guess I don't relationship well either. Such a vicious circle. The backstory of my 3 main former relationships were that me and the ex were friends before starting a relationship. I should probably stop doing that. Then there was a time at a party where a friend of a friend and I were "smitten" of each other and then we talked for like 6 months straight. I had some feelings for her until she somewhat ghosted me. That was years ago now. We're friends still. So now the only real option, because those other options don't really work for me, is online dating. And guess what? I'm really bad at that too. Never had true success. The only time that might be considered a "success" was getting coffee once. Then I texted her after a couple days later, and she decided to call me "broseph." Oof, instant friendzoned. So here I am, a 30 year old, doing the online thing again. It's been 2 days and I really just want to delete all of the accounts. I'm not good at talking about myself. I'm actually shocked that I've had past relationships because I am not interesting at all. I'm boring as all hell, I'm super awkward, I really bring nothing to the table, and I'm not real likable. I know that some of you will message me saying "Stop being hard on yourself. I like you. Plenty of people like you." Save your time, I'm just overthinking again. I'll be fine, with or without someone. But seriously, online dating sucks. 2 days and I want to quit. That's how much I hate it. I had some people tell me that I should start a podcast, which I've actually contemplated. There are a couple things that are stopping me. One is that I don't speak words well. If I could do that, I wouldn't have this blog. I'm a much better writer than speaker. I don't stutter when I write. The second thing that's stopping me is that I was on a podcast, and was essentially cast aside (ahem, Hangtime Podcast). I didn't really bring much to it because I'm not funny and was just there to be the basis of jokes. Ehh, whatever. They don't read this. I'm just self-conscious about starting a podcast with memories that leave a bitter taste in my mouth. But I'll still consider it. I was also considering having guest writers post something on here. It would be something different to bring to the table. If you would be interested in anything like that, or if you have criticisms, or comments, or just want to say hello, feel free to reach out to me. Follow. Share. Instagram- @brettwontdie/@onedaybretter Always. Here I am, the day after Valentine's Day. Laying around exhausted all day. I spent the day yesterday with a friend, catching up and getting away from the Hallmark holiday. I went out of my comfort zone in a way, as I don't often ask people to hang, and I'm glad I did. On Friday, I had a good friend tell me that as a reader, she felt that I was restricting what I wanted to say. That I needed to just get what's on my mind out there. She was definitely right. I was/am restricting myself from getting my words/experiences out on here. I guess I lost the plot of doing this blog. I'm worried about putting content out there, but this whole blog has been meant for me. A journal on the internet that other people can read. That's what I have to remember: this is for me.
I've still been feeling a bit empty recently. It's just a feeling that I can't shake. I guess maybe because I know that the future I wanted can no longer happen. It sucks, but I get it. I have only me to blame. This one is going to stick with me for a long, long time. It's definitely one of those "one that got away" situations. I won't forgive myself for this one. If this was me 3 months ago, which it still technically was, I'd give up. I'd just let the depression take over. But that's not me now. I'm here to right my own wrongs. I have time to rewrite my future. Sure people and situations are going to come and go. I'm still afraid to the change, but there's no growth without fighting for what you want. Well besides the one. I didn't fight to start, and then fought too late. So now what do I do? I accept. I accept everything that's happened in the past. I can't change it because, not to do the cliché thing, it's history and that can't be changed. I can look back at some of the good memories and think that I did something right at some point. It's all about figuring it out again, what I did right. I'll find it eventually. I believe and am betting on me and the the new future ahead. To go along with how I feel most of the time, I'll leave a quote from "How I Met Your Mother." Yes, it is my favorite show and yes, I relate to it way too much, like I said in a previous post. "If you’re looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love. And when you love someone you just, you…you don’t stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes, and call you crazy. Even then. Especially then. You just– you don’t give up. Because if I could just give up…if I could just, you know, take the whole world’s advice and– and move on and find someone else, that wouldn’t be love. That would be… that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for. But I– that is not what this is." @brettwontdie/@onedaybretter Always. There were so many songs that I wanted to use for the title of this post. I started writing this 2 days ago, but kept deleting each draft. I didn't like how I was writing anything. I wanted to make things perfect, because I strive for quality. Anyone at work can vouch for that. But as I explained to my friend last night of the writer's block I was having and neglecting the blog for a bit, I was reassured that "it's your blog. There are no rules." I needed that. It doesn't matter how long it takes or how many drafts I go through, the eventual message and my feelings I put into this is what matters.
As my opener stated, I wanted to use many songs as the title. When I write, I'm usually listening to my music library to get some inspiration. I'm a music guy. Music gets me thinking and reminiscing. I guess you can say it's part of my therapy. I think that makes sense? Ehh you get what I'm trying to say there. But yeah, music gets me thinking a lot. Especially when I'm focusing on the lyrics. I have a wide range of musical taste. I could listen to just about any genre, well except country. While listening, I do get emotional sometimes. I'm an emotional person. Thinking about certain people, about past mistakes I've made, about the past in general. That's what gets me overthinking sometimes. I can't change anything from the past, I know that. Trust me, if I had a time traveling DeLorean, I'd be going 88 mph without thinking twice. But then I'd cause a rift in the space time continuum and then the present and the future will all be messed up. Then I'll have to go back to the alternate time, fix everything...oh stop with the "Back to the Future" plot? Ok got it. What I'm trying to get at is that I'm on a mission to make the future a little better, with or without some people. I'm going to be a bit selfish now, but that's a different story for a different time. I never know how I should end these, so I'll keep on promoting my Instagram accounts until I find something better. Suggestions are welcome. @brettwontdie/@onedaybretter As I sit here at my computer, it's beginning to snow and I wasn't doing anything anyways, so I thought I would be somewhat productive. I'm still somewhat in a better mood as I described in my last post, but there are a couple things on my mind that I thought I should get out. One thing is a reflection on something I said in a past post. It just hit me more recently because of the time of year we are in now. Anyways, let's begin.
I said in previous post that I have to work on being alone before being with someone. While I do still find this to be true, I find that I do like making connections with people. I do like the growth and development of any kind of relationship. I do like this whole being alone thing at the moment, but I don't want it to last. I still feel somewhat empty. Like I can physically feel it in my chest, not just me getting into my mind. I'm probably feeling this way because Valentine's Day is next week. Did I give someone the worst Valentine's Day last year? Yes I did. Will they have a better one without me around? You know it. But I can't focus on these moments anymore. I have to overcome and adapt. I have to keep taking these negatives and turn them into positives. But I still have to work on me first, that's the priority. Speaking about turning negatives into positives, I beat my career high in bowling that I set last week on Tuesday. I'm turning the bad energy into something good for me. Going from 320 to 326 doesn't actually seem like much, but hitting above 315 is a challenge in itself, and doing that 2 weeks in a row took some work. I used to be in the middle of the pack in average, but with some people opting out because of the pandemic, I'm now in 8th overall as of this post. I'm doing the best bowling I've ever done because I'm motivated to do well. Lastly, I know I annoy people with the constant promotion, but I'm just trying to get my words out there. Feel free to help me get the word out, I can't do it all myself. Let's annoy the world together! @brettwontdie/@onedaybretter on Instagram One.Day. At a Time. I got messages after Wednesday's post, some from people that took me by surprise, saying that if people think this blog is a joke, fuck them. So here's the deal. If you think what I'm doing to get better mentally is a joke, fuck you. And now, start post.
Ahh yes, Friday. The weekend is here. And what a Friday it has been. I had the day off from work so I got to sleep in, got some errands done, and I got the coveted stray onion ring in my Burger King fries. And I'm doing an afternoon post because the rest of the day is booked. So far so good. As The Cure plays on my phone (that's why the post is titles "Friday I'm in Love"), I feel genuinely happy today. I'll be surrounded with friends that can help distract me if I get down. But I don't plan on getting down. I plan on bringing this good feeling into the weekend. Then trying to keep that momentum going for the days after. And then weeks after. It's such a rarity that I'm still in such a good mood. Probably because I'm not at work right now (no offense to anyone I work with), but being out of that environment, even for a day or in this case a long weekend, can be uplifting for mental health. But to be realistic, it's going to be (which is my motto at this point in life) one day at a time. I also wish for you to have a good weekend. We have to be supportive of each other. Since you've been supportive by reading this, I'm going to support you. Do what makes you happy. Go Tampa Bay. They're my pick for the Super Bowl. Tom Brady is the best. Fuck Gronk. Finally, go follow @onedaybretter (blog) or @brettwontdie (personal) on Instagram. So I've had way too many thoughts over the past couple days, that some of them are hard to put into enough words. But I'm going to try to explain some of my thoughts. I don't know how much I'll write, part of me isn't really feeling this today. Then again, I can stop when I want to.
Part of me feels like doing this blog is doing more harm than good. This whole thing was supposed to be for me to get my feelings out. To give an insight of what goes on within my mind. To hopefully be somewhat relatable with you, the reader. But now, almost a couple weeks in, and I almost am ready to stop. I've been having a lot of self-doubt recently. This blog is already becoming a joke within people I know. Everything I do is a joke. I'm probably overthinking more since I started, worrying about who is reading this and what everyone thinks. Yeah, I'm definitely crazy for putting my life out there on the internet for anyone to read. Here's the thing. I'm not going to stop now. If I stop now, that would probably prove so many points that I'm a quitter, that I won't be better and become a failure. I thrive on proving people wrong. Putting in the work is exhausting, but no one said it was going to be easy. There was a bump in the road. There will be many more, I know that, but I'm going to power through them. I will overcome and adapt. I'm not going to give up. I will not quit. Follow on Instagram: the blog account @onedaybretter (who doesn't like a good pun), and my personal account @brettwontdie (because I'm not going to die. I'm going to live forever) "And I still find it so hard/to say what I need to say./But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me/Just how I should feel today."
Today, I was very much into my mind. My normal overthinking day came second to wrestling, so it was rescheduled for today. So pardon me, as this post will slightly be on the melancholy side of things today. For the past couple of months, I've noticed that I haven't been eating as much as I used to. I'm the lowest weight I've been in years, but it didn't happen in a healthy way. Sure, maybe with the COVID restrictions, and not going out as much as I had before probably played a part. But I did the same thing I usually do, I hit a time of depression and I just didn't eat. When I say that I don't eat when I'm depressed, some people they do the opposite and only eat. For me, I eat when I'm happy. That's why I was the heaviest weight I've ever been since 2 years ago until recently. Because I was happy. So I lost 20 pounds within this short period of time, but like I said, it wasn't a healthy way. When people would comment that I looked thinner, I would tell them in a joking way that it was from "depression and Diet Pepsi," which I technically wasn't lying about. My noneating actually got so bad that a couple times, I would throw up any food that I was taking in. I say things that a few people know sometimes, but that last sentence, no one knew about until now. I'm just glad that it was only a couple times, and not a regular thing. But now, with my whole journey, I've been trying to do things the right way. Walks and runs with friends (not so much for the past couple weeks, the weather has been cold and it sucks, but that's February for you) and doing some home workouts have been helpful. I have actually noticed that my appetite has been slowly returning, which is good. I'm going to be in the best shape of my life. Both mentally and physically, but as we all know, it's going to take time. One. Day. At a time. Go follow @onedaybretter on Instagram, the official account of this blog. Backgrounds and meanings to the posts will show up there and not on my main account, @brettwontdie. But you should go follow both. Now! Do it! |