So, it's been 7 months since I've touched this blog. A lot has happened, good and bad. Usually, I'd do a whole wrap up of the year in an Instagram post, but I figured I'd do it here because I need to get back into writing (and I've paid for the blog, so why not actually use it, right?).  I've got so much to say, and much more on my mind, but first I have to backtrack to catch up on what's happening today.

What has been covered here/might be known to some people:
-Went crazy to begin the year
-Got into healthier habits.
-Felt pretty good at some point
-Talked to/"seeing" someone I've known for 10 years.
-Was ghosted by said person.

Back in May, I wanted to get back into the healthier habits that cleared my mind (for the most part) of the negativity that was there from the winter, and shockingly enough, that didn't happen. But for the moment then, I was fine. I was out doing things because it was Summer, and Summer is when I'm the happiest. And then it was Fall and also at the same time, wedding season. I thrive on weddings, like I get way too excited for them. I attended 3 weddings in 4 weeks, the last of the weddings probably being the best wedding I've ever attended (no offense to the other 2, or any wedding I've ever attended). It was one of the greatest weekends ever, and ultimately, the start of the downfall to the rest of the year. Since the end of October, things mostly haven't been going my way. Sure, there were a couple of hope spots. I started driving again (still working on getting my own car though). I turned an age older than 30 that I refuse to accept 🤮 (I just found out that I could put emojis on here through my laptop and I've had this thing for almost a year). I technically got a promotion at work. And then I talked to someone new, that actually has a common love for wrestling, for a month. But yeah, I have the freedom to go anywhere I want (that's accessible without a highway because the car I'm using doesn't do well with highways), but yet, I have nowhere to go. Why celebrate a "promotion" when I was just about ready to leave my job? And then when you talk about your struggles and fears to someone, and they say they understand and are willing to wait and help until I'm comfortable and then just become short and distant. As the movie quote goes, "I'm too old for this shit." I could tell over the past couple weeks that I haven't been myself (yes, again).  I've definitely hit the winter depression again.

This leads to today. Probably the worst overthinking days I've had in those couple weeks, and I just stumbled into it. I was searching for something on my phone, and I came across an old conversation from a couple years ago, and I got lost in it. I used to be funny, charming, caring, and most importantly, genuine. Now that I've had hours to think this over, the main question I have is one I ask myself all of the time: "What happened?" Have I really distanced myself from having those qualities? The answer is yes. Looking back at that conversation and what was going on at the time and what's happened to me now, it's just like night and day. I've changed for the worst. I know some people will say that I still have those qualities and I'm once again in my own head (I am), but the ones that I truly care about will probably tell you different. Much to the point that they don't talk to me anymore and I understand why. I've definitely hit another valley in life, but that just means there is only one direction to go...again. Up. 

This just leaves the final question of 2021: "What's 2022 going to be like?" The cliche answer is that I have no idea what's in store for me. The truthful answer is that I need to get back to basics. Getting/asking for help. Continue to grow. Get out of the bad habit of saying I'll do something and never do it. Maybe follow up on some of the goals that were meant for 2021. Get a car.  Most importantly, get back to being someone that not just other like, but someone I like. Because a happy Brett is the better Brett, or the Bretter (an unpopular opinion to some). 

@brettavitabile/@onedaybretter

Always.

So here we go. I was doing so well. Like really fucking good. But this past week, I've stumbled back into my madness. I'm way too anxious and stressed out again, I'm worrying about things that I have no control over, and I hate that I could have somewhat prevented all of this. For those who don't know, I had been hanging with this girl. I say hanging because we weren't officially dating, just like a casual thing I think. But yeah, now I don't know what's happening with that. I can see there is a distance there and like something definitely changed. You all know me as an overthinker, I believe that I probably did something wrong. Even though that's probably not the case, my mind reverted back into its old state and I'm just going insane again. I'm not happy in this current moment. This is the biggest rut I've been in since a couple of months ago. I am just so mad at myself for going back to that mindset.

Damn man, I got to go back to those healthy habits that I started. Being outside, working out, not drinking as much. I'll get back to it. Especially with the summer coming up. Summer is my favorite season. I'll try to make this the best summer I've ever had (I'm coming for you 2013). But in the meantime, I just got to get back on the right track, and realize that the struggle is still real and setbacks are still a thing. But I will overcome, I will win, I will survive.

@brettwontdie/@onedaybretter

Always.

I said I was going to post and here I am. I didn't realize how long it's been since I actually had a post. The weather is getting warmer, and life is getting busier. But I will try to make it a point to post more than once a month. I also want to try to get back to what my original plan for this was. Instead of saying what my day consisted of, I need to get back into writing about my feelings. My days are usually boring, but my mind is still active, both with good thoughts, but also I'll slip back into that dark corner for moments. For example, I've been been around my friends, feeling like myself again, being happy and jovial, but I'll think to myself that what if I go back to that place I was in before. At that point, I know I have to pull myself out of that because I can't live in that mindset anymore. Hence why I'm trying to do better things with my life. But sometimes I need to take that step backwards to actually see how far I've actually come. There's one thing for sure and that there's nothing for sure. But I won't give up the fight, I can't give up the fight, I will not quit the fight, I will defeat the fight.

@brettwontdie/@onedaybretter

​Always.

Forgive me, for it has been 2 weeks since I've last posted. My penance shall be saying 3 Bohemian Rhapsody's, 2 Mr. Brightside's, and a nip of Dr. McGillicuddy's. As I think I eluded to before, now that it's springtime, I'm becoming more busy so I won't be posting as much. But I will always make time once in a while to jot down some of my thoughts. And here are those thoughts.

To begin with, I'm still riding this high of being in a good mood/being happy. It still feels weird because this usually lasts a couple weeks and then the fuckening happens and everything goes to shit. But here I am, so far, so good. Also, I'm still going to the gym, but I'd like to go more regularly than what I do now. I can feel a difference in my body since I've been going, but I'm not at the point I'd like to be. But since I've basically just started, that's expected to be far off from what I want. I should do more workouts from home to keep up with what I want. I don't remember if I've said it here, but I needed to make a change with my body. Last summer, I think I was pushing 230 pounds, which with my height and frame, was not healthy. And then depression happened and I dropped 20 pounds real quick, which was equally unhealthy. So now I'm trying to drop the weight in a healthier way with workout and trying to eat better, but I slip up with food, because food is good. As I type, I'm close to 200 pounds. I do feel more in shape than I ever did in the past couple years, but there's still work to do. I know people like the "dad bod" look, but I'd like to have some sort of tone to my body, And abs. I had them once and I want them again. I will get my summer spite body.

Consistency is key. But what happens when that key can't unlock the door? What are you supposed to do then? The door is boarded up. Reinforced to make sure you can't get in. Do you try to kick it down? The walls will crack from the pressure, but it's reinforced, so it's not breaking. Do you tear down the walls? You do that, the foundation that surrounds that door crumbles. So what's left? Burn it down? Only do that if you want nothing to remain. It's your call. Leave it alone or burn everything to the ground? Or do you try to find the right key and hope the door eventually unlocks? The decision is yours.

@brettwontdie/@onedaybretter

​Always.

Here it is. It's almost the beginning of spring. Days are getting longer, weather is warming up, I'm becoming more and more busy. Hence why I haven't posted in this blog in a while. It's kinda weird that I'm still doing well, that I'm still somewhat happy and still in to becoming better. Usually, I would have fucked that up by now. But I haven't that I know of. I've been to the gym a couple times now, learning new ways to workout and I can see me sticking with it. I can see/feel the results so far. So I guess I can say that life is still going well as of this moment.

I'm going to say this here. I'm not apologizing for posting things everyday on social media. I'm not apologizing for living my life now. There are people who have in the past that they worry about me, especially when the shit hit the fan two months ago, before I started doing this blog. I post things, mainly on Instagram, to show those people that I'm not dead. I bet it annoys so many people that I have something everyday, and I don't care. I discover new music. I post it. I find something funny. I post it. Old photos? Posted. This stuff makes me happy and somewhat helps me with getting better and I think A happier, better Brett is a whole lot better than a miserable, depressed Brett. But that's only my opinion. To those who worry about me, you can worry a little less. 

That was a quick update with where I'm at now. I've thrown out the idea of the podcast to a couple people, so we just have to find the time to finally start it. I hope you are achieving goals, making good choices, and doing what makes you happy. If you're not, it's never too late to start. Take it from me. It's still only the beginning and the journey is long, but I know it's going to be worth it in the end.

@brettwontdie/@onedaybretter

Always.

This seems kind of weird to write because I usually talk about my sad/depressing feelings/emotions but I've been feeling pretty good about myself recently. I've just been in a better mood. I went out and had some good experiences, with friends and some new people. I think I was a normal person for once. Well, I don't think I came off as weird like I usually do. I'll never be normal and I'm okay with that. Although after this past weekend, I probably should cleanse my body. I mean I guess that's what the gym is for. Also, it's almost spring and that means the beginning of frisbee season, which means being a part of drinking a 30 every week. I'm sure that I'll find a balance at some point.

This really doesn't have to do with anything, but I've been thinking about getting another tattoo. For those who don't know, I have "Always Believe" tattooed on my left wrist. I got it almost 7 years ago after I did some things that I'm not proud of. So instead of looking at my wrist in disappointment, I thought I would put a positive message to remind me to not give up. Yeah, it's tax season and some of us (I'm included in this) are getting stimulus checks. I should use the money I'm getting for important things, like a car or maybe move out. But I'm going to be one of those people that says they're going to get a tattoo with the money. I've also wanted a tattoo sleeve for a while now, and this could be the beginning of that.  I've also thought over the years that I can deal with the physical pain over mental/emotional pain. In the right circumstance, the physical pain will eventually get better, but I'm not so sure about the mental. That's why I would risk my body for anything. Like almost being hit by a car. Like getting poked with a needle to put ink into my skin. I know those aren't really comparable, but whatever. I have ideas for what I want and I'm excited to make those ideas into a reality.

I'm still thinking about doing a podcast, but I want to create a format first. But it is in the works. I still want to get photos done. I have all of the time in the world to accomplish anything, besides the time I'm working or sleeping. But I believe. I'll Always Believe.

@brettwontdie/@onedaybretter on Instagram.

It's been one week since I've last posted on this blog. I have to say it was a good break. There was a thing that happened over the weekend that led me to some more overthinking, and also led me to not be myself. I was in a dark state in my mind for a couple days. Just pure unhappiness. I had written on Monday, but I hated everything that was happening, and so I deleted what I started. I didn't like what was going on. So I made a little change. I worked out yesterday for the first time in a while, which included my first ever gym trip (if we're friends on Facebook, you would have saw my post). And I can tell you that today, it was worth it. As sore as I am, I feel physically better. But a bigger thing is that my mind is a little less foggy. Working out actually made me feel better. Couldn't sleep at all, but it was worth it. I'm going to get into the best shape of my life. I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to get ripped. This is just the beginning.

As you can see, I have my ups and downs. I think about if I put too much of myself out there. Like if and when a new relationship happens, there are a lot of red flags in this blog. But I guess I'll have to deal with that when the time comes. Probably won't happen for a while though. Things can change. I'm changing for the better. Because I need to.  I'm glad you are still following me on my journey. Thanks.

@brettwontdie/@onedaybretter

​Always.

It's Thursday. It feels like Friday. I'm exhausted. I still don't sleep well. I still feel empty. The left side of my body hurts so I'm probably dying. I should go to the doctors, but I'm going to power through. Let's see what happens.

My social anxiety is getting the best of me right now, even though most days I just sit at home after work. Like I'd love to go out and do something this weekend. I just hate asking because I feel like a burden to people. In my mind, I think people don't want to hang with me alone. I feel like I'm not personable sometimes. I know I'm not the funniest person, that I'm very awkward and whatnot. Half of the time I'm invited to things, I feel like it's just a pity invite. I'll never be a top priority for things. But back to my original point. I just think whenever I try to initiate something, 99 percent of the time, it's going to be a no. Yeah, there's that rare occurrence that someone will say yes, but I think it's a pity yes. I'm trying to get better with that. Trying to ask different people to hang/get drinks/whatever. I thought I was doing good, but then I fell into this hole of negativity.

 I know this was far from my best post. Like I said I'm exhausted. That probably has something to do with it. As I type this, I'm just getting more and more mentally drained, so I'm going to stop this writing before I ramble about nothing.

@brettwontdie/@onedaybretter

​Always.

First off, Daft Punk are going their separate ways and I am sad. It's probably because I used their song as the title of the last post. I'll be playing a lot of their music for the foreseeable future.  But I digress...

This is somewhat going to be a follow up to my last post because I've had more on my mind from it since I posted on Thursday. So I'll start with the beginning lyrics to "Once in a Lifetime" by Talking Heads.

"And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. And you may find yourself in another part of the world. And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile. And you may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself, well how did I get here?"

Yeah, I'm not where I want to be in life. I would love to have the things listed above. A car. A house. A wife. Living somewhere other than this dumpster fire of a town. But yet, here I am. I don't have a car. I'm afraid to even get behind the wheel of a car ever since I totaled my car 2 and a half years ago. I would love to live in a house (or apartment) somewhere else, but there are some personal/financial circumstances that can't make that possible. A wife? Well, we all know the story. I know I have to be stable (physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially) before I should be with someone. I just feel like I have nothing to offer anyone right now. Right now. Those are the key words. Yes, I had some stability in the past, but that's history. The best part about the future is that it can change. Sure, I don't have a car and I'm afraid to drive. Right now. One day, I know I'll get over that fear and have a car and be less dependent on people to get places. Sure I don't have a place for myself. Right now. I'm thankful that I have a roof over my head, something some people don't have and that's still not right. Sure I don't have a wife. Right now. I know that day will come. Right now, I need to continue to build a better me. A better me will lead to the better future. The better future I believe in.

@brettwontdie/@onedaybretter

​Always.

Digital Love- Daft Punk

It still amazes me that people from the past are reading this. People from middle/high school. I know that I was only known for the dance circles which led me to winning the "Best Dancer" superlative in my class. I was never the most popular. I kinda was just there sometimes. But it's just somewhat cool to know that more than 10 years later, my voice matters. Then again, everyone's voice matters.

So I was asked a while ago when I was going to get back out there in the dating game. Then I still thought my ideal future was going to come true, but since that isn't the case anymore, I guess I have to put myself out there again. Don't want to, but I have no choice. Well, I guess I technically do have a choice, and I don't really do alone well. Then again, I guess I don't relationship well either. Such a vicious circle. The backstory of my 3 main former relationships were that me and the ex were friends before starting a relationship. I should probably stop doing that. Then there was a time at a party where a friend of a friend and I were "smitten" of each other and then we talked for like 6 months straight. I had some feelings for her until she somewhat ghosted me. That was years ago now. We're friends still. So now the only real option, because those other options don't really work for me, is online dating. And guess what? I'm really bad at that too. Never had true success. The only time that might be considered a "success" was getting coffee once. Then I texted her after a couple days later, and she decided to call me "broseph." Oof, instant friendzoned. So here I am, a 30 year old, doing the online thing again. It's been 2 days and I really just want to delete all of the accounts. I'm not good at talking about myself. I'm actually shocked that I've had past relationships because I am not interesting at all. I'm boring as all hell, I'm super awkward, I really bring nothing to the table, and I'm not real likable. I know that some of you will message me saying "Stop being hard on yourself. I like you. Plenty of people like you." Save your time, I'm just overthinking again. I'll be fine, with or without someone. But seriously, online dating sucks. 2 days and I want to quit. That's how much I hate it. 

I had some people tell me that I should start a podcast, which I've actually contemplated. There are a couple things that are stopping me. One is that I don't speak words well. If I could do that, I wouldn't have this blog. I'm a much better writer than speaker. I don't stutter when I write. The second thing that's stopping me is that I was on a podcast, and was essentially cast aside (ahem, Hangtime Podcast). I didn't really bring much to it because I'm not funny and was just there to be the basis of jokes. Ehh, whatever. They don't read this. I'm just self-conscious about starting a podcast with memories that leave a bitter taste in my mouth. But I'll still consider it. I was also considering having guest writers post something on here. It would be something different to bring to the table. If you would be interested in anything like that, or if you have criticisms, or comments, or just want to say hello, feel free to reach out to me. 

Follow. Share.
​Instagram- @brettwontdie/@onedaybretter

Always.

Here I am, the day after Valentine's Day. Laying around exhausted all day. I spent the day yesterday with a friend, catching up and getting away from the Hallmark holiday. I went out of my comfort zone in a way, as I don't often ask people to hang, and I'm glad I did. On Friday, I had a good friend tell me that as a reader, she felt that I was restricting what I wanted to say. That I needed to just get what's on my mind out there. She was definitely right. I was/am restricting myself from getting my words/experiences out on here. I guess I lost the plot of doing this blog. I'm worried about putting content out there, but this whole blog has been meant for me. A journal on the internet that other people can read. That's what I have to remember: this is for me.

I've still been feeling a bit empty recently. It's just a feeling that I can't shake. I guess maybe because I know that the future I wanted can no longer happen. It sucks, but I get it. I have only me to blame. This one is going to stick with me for a long, long time. It's definitely one of those "one that got away" situations.  I won't forgive myself for this one. If this was me 3 months ago, which it still technically was, I'd give up. I'd just let the depression take over. But that's not me now. I'm here to right my own wrongs. I have time to rewrite my future. Sure people and situations are going to come and go. I'm still afraid to the change, but there's no growth without fighting for what you want. Well besides the one. I didn't fight to start, and then fought too late.  So now what do I do? I accept. I accept everything that's happened in the past. I can't change it because, not to do the cliché thing,  it's history and that can't be changed. I can look back at some of the good memories and think that I did something right at some point. It's all about figuring it out again, what I did right. I'll find it eventually. I believe and am betting on me and the the new future ahead.

To go along with how I feel most of the time, I'll leave a quote from "How I Met Your Mother." Yes, it is my favorite show and yes, I relate to it way too much, like I said in a previous post.
​"If you’re looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love. And when you love someone you just, you…you don’t stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes, and call you crazy. Even then. Especially then. You just– you don’t give up. Because if I could just give up…if I could just, you know, take the whole world’s advice and– and move on and find someone else, that wouldn’t be love. That would be… that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for. But I– that is not what this is."

@brettwontdie/@onedaybretter

Always.

There were so many songs that I wanted to use for the title of this post. I started writing this 2 days ago, but kept deleting each draft. I didn't like how I was writing anything. I wanted to make things perfect, because I strive for quality. Anyone at work can vouch for that. But as I explained to my friend last night of the writer's block I was having and neglecting the blog for a bit, I was reassured that "it's your blog. There are no rules." I needed that. It doesn't matter how long it takes or how many drafts I go through, the eventual message and my feelings I put into this is what matters. 

As my opener stated, I wanted to use many songs as the title. When I write, I'm usually listening to my music library to get some inspiration. I'm a music guy. Music gets me thinking and reminiscing. I guess you can say it's part of my therapy. I think that makes sense? Ehh you get what I'm trying to say there. But yeah, music gets me thinking a lot. Especially when I'm focusing on the lyrics. I have a wide range of musical taste. I could listen to just about any genre, well except country. While listening, I do get emotional sometimes. I'm an emotional person. Thinking about certain people, about past mistakes I've made, about the past in general. That's what gets me overthinking sometimes. I can't change anything from the past, I know that.  Trust me, if I had a time traveling DeLorean, I'd be going 88 mph without thinking twice. But then I'd cause a rift in the space time continuum and then the present and the future will all be messed up. Then I'll have to go back to the alternate time, fix everything...oh stop with the "Back to the Future" plot? Ok got it. What I'm trying to get at is that I'm on a mission to make the future a little better, with or without some people. I'm going to be a bit selfish now, but that's a different story for a different time.

I never know how I should end these, so I'll keep on promoting my Instagram accounts until I find something better. Suggestions are welcome.
@brettwontdie/@onedaybretter

As I sit here at my computer, it's beginning to snow and I wasn't doing anything anyways, so I thought I would be somewhat productive. I'm still somewhat in a better mood as I described in my last post, but there are a couple things on my mind that I thought I should get out. One thing is a reflection on something I said in a past post. It just hit me more recently because of the time of year we are in now. Anyways, let's begin.

I said in previous post that I have to work on being alone before being with someone. While I do still find this to be true, I find that I do like making connections with people. I do like the growth and development of any kind of relationship. I do like this whole being alone thing at the moment, but I don't want it to last. I still feel somewhat empty. Like I can physically feel it in my chest, not just me getting into my mind.  I'm probably feeling this way because Valentine's Day is next week. Did I give someone the worst Valentine's Day last year? Yes I did. Will they have a better one without me around? You know it. But I can't focus on these moments anymore. I have to overcome and adapt. I have to keep taking these negatives and turn them into positives. But I still have to work on me first, that's the priority.

Speaking about turning negatives into positives, I beat my career high in bowling that I set last week on Tuesday. I'm turning the bad energy into something good for me. Going from 320 to 326 doesn't actually seem like much, but hitting above 315 is a challenge in itself, and doing that 2 weeks in a row took some work. I used to be in the middle of the pack in average, but with some people opting out because of the pandemic, I'm now in 8th overall as of this post. I'm doing the best bowling I've ever done because I'm motivated to do well. 

Lastly, I know I annoy people with the constant promotion, but I'm just trying to get my words out there. Feel free to help me get the word out, I can't do it all myself. Let's annoy the world together!

@brettwontdie/@onedaybretter on Instagram

​One.Day. At a Time.

I got messages after Wednesday's post, some from people that took me by surprise, saying that if people think this blog is a joke, fuck them. So here's the deal. If you think what I'm doing to get better mentally is a joke, fuck you. And now, start post.

Ahh yes, Friday. The weekend is here. And what a Friday it has been. I had the day off from work so I got to sleep in, got some errands done, and I got the coveted stray onion ring in my Burger King fries. And I'm doing an afternoon post because the rest of the day is booked. So far so good. As The Cure plays on my phone (that's why the post is titles "Friday I'm in Love"), I feel genuinely happy today. I'll be surrounded with friends that can help distract me if I get down. But I don't plan on getting down. I plan on bringing this good feeling into the weekend. Then trying to keep that momentum going for the days after. And then weeks after. It's such a rarity that I'm still in such a good mood. Probably because I'm not at work right now (no offense to anyone I work with), but being out of that environment, even for a day or in this case a long weekend, can be uplifting for mental health. But to be realistic, it's going to be (which is my motto at this point in life) one day at a time.

I also wish for you to have a good weekend. We have to be supportive of each other. Since you've been supportive by reading this, I'm going to support you. Do what makes you happy.

Go Tampa Bay. They're my pick for the Super Bowl. Tom Brady is the best. Fuck Gronk.

Finally, go follow @onedaybretter (blog) or @brettwontdie (personal) on Instagram. 

So I've had way too many thoughts over the past couple days, that some of them are hard to put into enough words. But I'm going to try to explain some of my thoughts. I don't know how much I'll write, part of me isn't really feeling this today. Then again, I can stop when I want to.

Part of me feels like doing this blog is doing more harm than good. This whole thing was supposed to be for me to get my feelings out. To give an insight of what goes on within my mind. To hopefully be somewhat relatable with you, the reader. But now, almost a couple weeks in, and I almost am ready to stop. I've been having a lot of self-doubt recently. This blog is already becoming a joke within people I know. Everything I do is a joke. I'm probably overthinking more since I started, worrying about who is reading this and what everyone thinks. Yeah, I'm definitely crazy for putting my life out there on the internet for anyone to read. Here's the thing. I'm not going to stop now. If I stop now, that would probably prove so many points that I'm a quitter, that I won't be better and become a failure. I thrive on proving people wrong. Putting in the work is exhausting, but no one said it was going to be easy. There was a bump in the road. There will be many more, I know that, but I'm going to power through them. I will overcome and adapt. I'm not going to give up. I will not quit.

Follow on Instagram: the blog account @onedaybretter (who doesn't like a good pun), and my personal account @brettwontdie (because I'm not going to die. I'm going to live forever)

"And I still find it so hard/to say what I need to say./But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me/Just how I should feel today."

Today, I was very much into my mind. My normal overthinking day came second to wrestling, so it was rescheduled for today. So pardon me, as this post will slightly be on the melancholy side of things today.

For the past couple of months, I've noticed that I haven't been eating as much as I used to. I'm the lowest weight I've been in years, but it didn't happen in a healthy way. Sure, maybe with the COVID restrictions, and not going out as much as I had before probably played a part. But I did the same thing I usually do, I hit a time of depression and I just didn't eat. When I say that I don't eat when I'm depressed, some people they do the opposite and only eat. For me, I eat when I'm happy. That's why I was the heaviest weight I've ever been since 2 years ago until recently. Because I was happy. So I lost 20 pounds within this short period of time, but like I said, it wasn't a healthy way. When people would comment that I looked thinner, I would tell them in a joking way that it was from "depression and Diet Pepsi," which I technically wasn't lying about. My noneating actually got so bad that a couple times, I would throw up any food that I was taking in. I say things that a few people know sometimes,  but that last sentence,  no one knew about until now. I'm just glad that it was only a couple times, and  not a regular thing. But now, with my whole journey, I've been trying to do things the right way. Walks and runs with friends (not so much for the past couple weeks, the weather has been cold and it sucks, but that's February for you) and doing some home workouts have been helpful. I have actually noticed that my appetite has been slowly returning, which is good. I'm going to be in the best shape of my life. Both mentally and physically, but as we all know, it's going to take time. One. Day. At a time.

Go follow @onedaybretter on Instagram, the official account of this blog. Backgrounds and meanings to the posts will show up there and not on my main account, @brettwontdie. But you should go follow both. Now! Do it! 

Well I meant to post yesterday, but I got some margaritas in me and the rest is history. So instead, the quick post is today. If it's not known to you, I'm a big fan of professional wrestling. Tonight is the beginning of Wrestlemania season, with the Royal Rumble. Being realistic, wrestling has been awful recently, so I have no real expectations. Just going to drink some beers (hopefully some Steveweisers, Oh Hell Yeah!), eat some pizza, hang with some good friends (safely, there is a pandemic going on still) and try to have a good time. And that's the bottom line, because Stone Cold said so!

Everybody's looking forward to the weekend. Partying, partying, Yeah! Do you remember "Friday" by Rebecca Black? Such a classic. When this "song" came out, we watched the music video in my college English class, where I wrote down everything wrong with it. I had 2 pages two minutes in and then I gave up. It was the most I ever participated in an English class throughout school. But here we are on Friday and I promised a music post, so I'll give you a list of 7 songs with a brief description of what they mean to me. 

1. "Somebody to Love" by Queen- I think this is my favorite song. Queen is my favorite band. I should just put Queen and not any particular song, that's how much I love Queen. But "Somebody to Love" is number 1 to me all time.
2. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen- Another Queen song? Yes. I told you, I love Queen. But this song is one of the first I learned to play on bass guitar. I got to a point with playing this song that I could play it behind my head. I don't think I could do that anymore. My shoulder isn't flexible enough now. 
3. "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson- Ahh yes. The King of Pop. This song is what got me started with dancing. I use the term "dancing" very loosely. It was at the end of 6th grade where I decided to show what skills I had at that time. My mom told me not to do the crotch grab. I don't know what happened next.
4. "Get Lucky" by Daft Punk feat. Pharrell Williams and Nile Rogers- 2013 was probably my greatest year, second is 2019. But in 2013, this masterpiece of a song was released and I made it known how much I loved this song. I take credit in making it as popular as it was. I told all of my friends that I loved it first. This and "Blurred Lines." Love me some "Blurred Lines." But Daft Punk makes the list because I'm up all night to Get Lucky.
5. "Handle with Care" by the Traveling Wilburys- 5 successful musicians (George Harrison, Tom Petty, Jeff Lynne, Roy Orbison, and Bob Dylan) combine to make up one of, if not, the best supergroups in history. The title is how I would describe any current and future relationship I have, to handle me with care. I could have went "Got My Mind Set on You" or "What is Life" on this list, as George Harrison made some absolute classics. He was the best Beatle post-breakup.
6. "May I Have This Dance" by Francis and the Lights feat. Chance the Rapper- This songs gets me thinking a lot. The interpretive dance in the music video (that actually involves Francis and Chance) gives me the urge to get back into dancing. Not just like "the worm" that I used to do, but actual movement to music. Go check this music video out. "May I have this dance to make it up to you?"
7. "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves- This is my mom's favorite. She is a saint and deserves to be on this list. All hail her! All hail Saint (Name Redacted)!

There's so many more songs that I could write about, which I might do in the future. Okay fine, one more recommendation. Go check out "Imploding the Mirage" by the Killers. The whole album. It got me through the last half of last year. Well, I'll see you tomorrow for a hopefully quick post for the weekend. I'll give you a heads up now, it will be for a niche audience. You'll see why, brother.

I needed a catchy title for today. I am not currently drinking tequila. Sorry to disappoint there. I debated on whether or not I wanted to do a post today just because doing that long post yesterday was very draining. Like my head hurt after typing all of that. If you read all of that, you're a trooper. So for today, I'll try to keep it shorter. But who knows. Once I get going, I keep going for a long time (ha). For tomorrows post, I plan on doing a list of songs that I really enjoy. Songs with some meaning, lyrically and personally. Some of them are my favorites and some I have been listening to for more recently. On Saturday, I'll do a smallerish post to give me a break on the actual weekend, so look out for that. 

I know I keep saying it, but all of the support and words of encouragement for me and this blog have been overwhelming. A good overwhelming. All sorts of people have been reaching out, from those close to me, to those that I haven't spoken to since high school and everything in between. I don't think posting everyday on Facebook and Instagram has anything to do with it. I really hope you got that sarcasm. It's hard to tell through written word. I also think I should start a separate Instagram for advertising this just because I feel like I'm annoying people with posts everyday. So that might come next week. It's just kind of weird that growing up, I felt like I didn't have a voice. Although I do remember a moment at Youth Group camp that I said that I felt I had a voice there, and later on, someone told me that when I said that, they lost it. I think I lost my voice for a while, but now have finally found it again. Found it through the written word, because I hate my actual voice. I don't get how people listen to that thing. Sarcasm again. Oh you got it? Good. I'll shut up now. 

​Today's title is what song is playing when I started to write, so it's Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down." I couldn't think of a clever title, so that's what I decided to choose. But in reality, I use that song for motivation to get better. Because I could just let my demons get the best of me and stop fighting. But as the song states, there's no easy way out. I'm gonna stand my ground, keep fighting the good fight, and keep trying to get better, because I certainly am not going to quit and I won't back down. And now here we go with today's post.

-So as I stated in yesterday's short post, it was not a good day for me mentally. I'm not going to discuss that here. That was for my personal journal. I have to keep some things to myself, so I keep a journal for that stuff. However, I'm trying to turn negatives into positives and that's what I did last night. As some of you know, I'm an avid bowler and am in a league on Tuesday's. Last night. I took my terrible attitude and turned it into probably my best bowling night I've ever had. Sometimes it's good to take some aggression out on inanimate objects (Never take it out on people. It will cost you. Trust me.) and those pins never had a chance against me last night. To improve my bowling night, I had to make adjustments. Which is also what I have to do in life. Something not going my way? Make adjustments. Shake things up if you have to in order to make things better. I should really take that advice and stick with it. 

-I'm going to sound like a little bit of a weirdo when I say this (Oh well. I'm used to being called one, so whatever), but I sometimes think about how I was a couple of feet away from being hit by a car in South Boston just about a year and a half ago. Long story short about that, I was in the crosswalk with the person I was dating at the time, we were like halfway across the street in the crosswalk, and a guy was looking down at his phone, and almost had an accident. Luckily, the person I was with stopped me (like I don't know what to call her in this blog. I don't want to say ex-girlfriend because honestly that still sucks, and I don't want to use names.) She saw that the dude wasn't paying attention and I was continuing and she stopped me. What's weird about that was I really didn't care about my safety. Either one of us or none of us were going to be hit, because I'd rather risk my body for someone that I care about. After it happened, like seconds after, I was saying that she should have let me get hit because of the money I would have got (I was in a financial predicament then. Like I said earlier, don't take out your anger on another person. It will cost you.) I was focused on the wrong things. I should have been more focused on her feelings will a close call like that. Like I could have died, or realistically been severely injured, but I was worried about money? What an idiot I was. Looking back at it now, I'm glad she noticed that car and stopped me. Because she saved my life (multiple times really). But I look back at that and I'm glad I'm still here.

-Okay, back to positive, non-bummer statements. I really had a better day today. I know that I'll have those types of days like I did yesterday where everything feels like it's going to shit. It last a moment, one day, or multiple days. But it's how I respond to those. It's certain moments that can turn everything around. I woke up today determined to have a better day, and I did. I was joking around and laughing and had a good work day (I did some actual work, I swear) and was all around in a better mood. I'm going to keep trying to have those good days. I deserve it now and then. Just like everyone else. You deserve good days.

Overthinking last night.
Overthinking all day.
Today was not a good day.
​Here's to a better tomorrow.

So I think my plan for this blog is to post everyday for maybe a week or a couple weeks just because I have so much on my mind that I want to get out. If that doesn't interest you, hopefully you will return in a couple weeks where the posts are less frequent. For those who are staying, let's begin with today's chapter.

-I have to say thank you once again to everyone who has read this blog. Even though I just started and only have 2 posts, every comment to me has been very positive and it keeps me wanting to write more. This may only be a small blog, but the limits do not exist of where I want to take this and where I want to take myself in the future. Yeah sure, there's still a ton of work to do with this (critiques, advice, etc. are accepted), but I'm happy with where this is going so far. I have been told that I need to stop apologizing for what I write, but that's still my mind thinking that I'm fucking things up. Also, I may be all over the place with what I say. I'll go on nonsensical rants that don't make any sense. I may even contradict some things, but that's how my brain is processing everything at that moment, but that's okay. Just ask for further clarification and I'll give it to you. (Side note: Avengers Endgame is on tv as I type this and it's the first time we're introduced to Fat Thor in the film and it's still one of my favorite scenes.) 

-I think everyone knows that I'm way too hard on myself, that I take myself too seriously, which I am and do. I just try to do my best, and at times, I think that my best wasn't good enough. I know of some situations that I know that I wasn't good enough, and you all probably do too. When I do feel this way, I think I try to overcompensate and try to help everyone else with their problems, to try to make their lives easier. As I keep thinking on it, I care about what happens to others way more than what happens to me.  No one deserves to struggle, including me. I also hold onto hope way too much. Hoping things will work out in the long term, and not worrying about the short term/present. Long term work, friendships, relationships. Especially relationships. That one deserves its own chapter in this somewhere down the line, but as a preview, I'll say that most relationships I've had, I'll hold onto hope that something will work out in the long term. Which is not fair. Not fair to them, not fair to me, not fair to the actual connection we have/had.  It's not fair. 

-As you know, this is all about being better. I learn something new about the world and myself everyday. I could be old and alone (I know some of you just said "You're already old and alone." Hahahaha shut up.), but as long as I finally find that happiness and I feel content with where I am, it doesn't matter how long this all takes. That is what's great about this. There is no time limit, well until I die, which isn't coming soon. I'm going to appreciate each and every moment. One. Day. At a time.

-I've noticed recently, well actually longer, that I find me and my mind are the most vulnerable usually at night. I really don't sleep well anymore, staying up way later than I plan, because that's when I get into my head the most. I used to have a routine, but that routine was disrupted. You would think that I would eventually get used to not having that, by having set a new routine, but in reality, I haven't. Overthinking is my biggest flaw. I'm trying to control that, but when I'm alone, it tends to slip out of my hands. which leads me to my next thought...

-I need to get used to be physically and mentally alone. I've been watching a lot of "How I Met Your Mother" because it's on at night when I can't sleep as stated above. The main character, Ted Mosby, is obsessed with finding the one, the love of his life. Looking back at the majority of my 20s, I feel we shared this characteristic. Especially after the past couple years. With my up-and-down mental stability, it was nice to be comforted, to feel safe, to not be judged, to be loved. I just wished that I could have offered that. I wish I wasn't stupid and ruined everything. But to offer those things to someone else, I need to offer that to myself. I need to care and love myself before I'm able to do that for someone again. I need to be alone, to figure out what I like, to find out what brings me enjoyment, so I can figure out how to do that for anyone. 

-I hope that all made sense. It did in my mind, but we all know that how I want to word things doesn't usually work out as planned. As I keep posting, hopefully I get better. It's all about getting better. I will get better. One. Day. At a time.

Hey everyone! Thank you for coming to my website. I've decided that instead of posting long posts on social media about my feelings, I would make a blog about everything that I write. This is very new to me, as I have no clue how to run/design a website/blog, so bear with me as I learn the ropes. As for my previous posts on Facebook and Instagram, I might bring them over here to archive my progression, but I have not fully decided on that yet. Since I'm on that topic, thank you to everyone for their support and those who reached out to me with my social media posts. I've got a lot planned for the future, for this blog, for creativity, but most importantly, in my life. It's a road that I'm taking, and am inviting you to come along, as I try to find happiness, which I hope I eventually will. One. Day. At a time.